Tag / Parenting

by Greg

A Subtle Difference

In a conversation with a friend yesterday regarding home schooling, I described our thinking on the matter in a way I don’t think I have previously.

You may recall from previous posts here that to us, home school is not school at home, but more a philosophy… a way of educating. It’s learning from every moment of life, rather than a more structured “this is school time” approach. It works well for us, and we have no intention (as far as we can see now) of changing the way we train/educate our children.

Some folks we know take a more “year by year” approach. Sometimes it’s based on the thought, “I’m not sure how long we (or I) can do this…” But others see participating in government schools as a “part of life” and see more benefit than detriment, especially when their kids are older.

What I realized yesterday – as the words came out of my mouth – was that for us, our kids’ “education” is not as much about schooling as it is about parenting. We “home school” (differently than most people we know) because we feel we are in the best position to train our kids how to live. There are many factors, but overall, it’s the way we parent, not just an “educational” choice.

So, for as far as we can see, we’ll keep doing it this way. You certainly can’t know what tomorrow will bring, but what we know now is that we love doing life together as a family, and learning and training as we go.

by Greg

It’s Transition Week

Julia and her Nuk

We go through this with most of our kids. Alex was the worst so far… he loved his Nuk. (Pacifier, binky, plug, whatever you call it…) But he only took a few days of screaming and he was free of it. It’s definitely hard work, and takes perseverance by us, the parents… and lots of love, hugs, and reassuring… but in the end it’s worth it.

Well, it’s Julia’s turn. She has gotten very whiny if her Nuk is not in sight, and we just felt like it was a good time to wean her of it… and actually, she’s doing pretty well so far!! She wants to “be a big girl” and is excited to show her Grandma this weekend that she can sleep (and go all day, too) without a Nuk! We’ll see if she can do it! So far two nights down, and she’s getting the hang of it!

It will be better for her, and all of us when the Nuk is gone… but…

She is pretty cute with it, no? 🙂

by Greg

Expectations

That word – “expectations” – certainly has some baggage, doesn’t it? I mean, even as I typed it for the title of this post, I thought, “That’s not exactly what I’m trying to say…” But I think it is. I do believe there can be good expectations. (And I fully acknowledge that, relationally speaking, there are the bad sort of “expectations”.)

But I was reminded again last night that sometimes it’s good to “expect” more.

The four oldest kids joined me at a birthday party where we were to have dinner. I’ll admit, it was a bit of a challenge to keep everyone in the same place when we first got there, amongst the many other strangers (we only knew the hosts, and had briefly met one or two others). But, the kids were great, and we eventually got some food and found a table to sit down and eat.

I got everyone set up eating their food, then went to go get drinks. They stayed there – they did awesome! – and just enjoyed their food, and I think Ian was chatting with the other people at the table.

After we had been eating for a while, the mom who was at the table said to our kids, “Why are you guys so good???” and then without pausing, said to me, “How do you get the baby to stay there???” Actually, when she said baby, I thought of Emma… but she wasn’t there, so that confused me. Then I realized she meant Julia, our two year old. We’ve actually been working on moving past a few “baby” things with Julia (mostly of her own desire) so I responded (with Julia) saying, “Julia, are you a baby? Or a big girl?” She cheerfully replied, “Big girl!”

What the mom was noticing was that our four kids (with only one parent at that moment) were sitting, happily eating and chatting, while her husband was chasing their two year old boy all over the place. A little more conversation with this mother revealed exactly why there was such a difference between our kids.

She didn’t expect anything from them.

Just to clarify, I completely understand that expectations can be laden with guilt and obligation and other unhealthy relational things. But also, I think a lot of parents are frustrated because their expectations of what their kids are capable of are far too low.

Kids are actually quite smart. 🙂

Many people comment to me on the way that I speak to children. To ours, and to others. Apparently, I speak to them “like adults”. I’m not exactly sure what they mean, but Jen has echoed those same sentiments (when spoken by others). Basically, I think most people talk “down” to kids. But I do not. I can see that they understand a lot more that we give them credit for, and I know they are quite able to choose (many things, at least) and so I give them the opportunity to choose “the right thing” and/or to exhibit some self control.

From that mindset, and with greater “expectations” from the start… our kids are (from my observation, and that of many others) a bit more “well behaved”. Not all the time, certainly. They are still just kids, and though they are capable of self-control… do not have life experience enough to be great at exercising it. 😉

That just comes with practice.

And, expectations of greatness accompanied by encouragement toward those higher expectations.

Failure will happen, and certainly “unmet expectations”. But with encouragement along the way, and not only believing in the “best” from our kids, but helping them believe it as well, I think our kids will go far, with confidence gained by encouraging, supportive parents who root on their kids to the greatness they are capable of!

[Note: I had a discussion re: parenting ideas with a friend recently, and there was some misunderstanding as to the intention of the thoughts I shared. Parenting is near and dear to our hearts, and so, uninvited “advice” can come across as condescending. Such is never my intention, nor is it the intention of this post. Just sharing some observations. If you find them helpful, please incorporate them into your parenting philosophy. If not, please happily ignore.] 🙂

by Greg

Our Own Dr. Seuss

A couple weeks ago, our son Alex rediscovered a book that his Grammy had bought him a while back. “A Hatful of Seuss” is a compilation of five Dr. Seuss books. He was reading it on his own and would ask me every night, “Dad, can I read this story to you?” I let him do that one night, until I was reminded of just how long Dr. Seuss stories are!

But it was really cute, and the story was pretty funny – and brought back a lot of memories – so the next night I said I would read a whole story to both the boys. They were excited, and I was looking forward to it, and it turned out to be so great that not only did we do that night, we started getting LOTS more from the library!

From all of this Seuss-ing, a side effect has cropped up. We may have discovered more than just a Seuss book when Alex first dug up that Seuss collection. 🙂

Turns out, Ian was pretty hooked by the writing of Theodore Geisel, and even found a book at our library all about his life. He read it rather quickly, and I believe has pretty much recounted in stories told to mom & dad everything in that book, word for word! He really liked it!

The interesting part is that not only did he like the book, and like telling us the stories… he also has been telling us little snippets from his “inside world” about how he feels like Dr. Seuss. He’s creative, and really identifies with Suess’ style and I think his life. It’s been pretty interesting to see that connection, and hear Ian talk about who he is and what he wants to do in a grander scheme of life.

Guess he is growing up.

So, to encourage that a bit (and just have some fun) we wrote a Buffalo Bills poem yesterday. We made sure to keep to an ABAB rhyme scheme, and even kept the meter at 7 syllables, then 8, then 7, then 8. It’s not quite finished (and maybe not quite Suess-ish, but it was pretty fun! Perhaps we’ll share it here someday. 🙂

Also watched a video recommended by Joe about education and creativity… very interesting. I very much agreed with a lot of what this guy was saying. Mainly, how the way our educational system is set up now, creativity is not only not encouraged, it can be squashed. The more creative types are then pushed aside – or worse, medicated – in order that they might “get in line”.

Watching the video, and seeing Ian recently “discover” some things about himself, reminded me how glad I am that we home school.

So I’ll keep you updated on the progress of our young Dr. Seuss. Should be pretty fun to watch. 🙂

by Greg

No… ME!

Today Julia was not being very nice to her brothers, so Jen said, “Julia, that’s not how you’d want them to treat you. You need to treat them how you want them to treat you.” Then Jen added, “Because you love them!”

Without hesitation, in a very whiny voice, Julia insisted, “No… ME!”

If that’s not a perfect picture that we are born selfish, not sure what is. 🙂

by Greg

Simple But Hard

Quick story before bed…

Tonight I was talking to Julia (our almost two-year-old) about an event at lunch today. The lady behind the cash register thought Julia was a very cute baby (turns out she has a two-year-old of her own) and just gave her a friendly greeting. Well, Julia who is normally very friendly decided to not reply to this person, and hid her head in Dad’s shoulder. A few attempts to get a response from her were in vain.

Finally, as we were leaving, she mustered a smile. (Maybe it was the free toy [read:bribe] that the lady handed out…)

That was the end of that, and I apologized for Julia, but of course the cashier thought nothing of it. “I have a two year old, also!”

So fast forward to the dinner table. I told Mom the story, half re-telling it to Joodles. She was listening intently (people don’t give two year olds enough credit!) and finally I repeated what had happened (acted it out) and Julia sort of laughed, but then I asked her if she would like it if someone did that to her? Surprisingly, she immediately said, “Nooooooo!” I think she really did understand (though I know there will be PLENTY more training to come…) 🙂

It was pretty amazing to see how even at not-quite-two, Julia understood the concept of, “Treat other people the way you want to be treated.” And right there I said, “It’s so crazy how simple the idea is… every thing is better when we think of other people that way… but how hard it is to actually do it.”

Even when you’re one.

by Greg

Lesson Learned?

I was observing my three-year-old daughter and her one-year-old sister today as they tried to play together. They were just a few feet in front of me, and truthfully, it was not going well.

Julia, the younger, was taking things from Kirstie, the older, and this was not a welcome action. Kirstie was just whining about it, and then taking matters into her own hand, retrieving what had been taken. Of course, this only exacerbated the situation, so I decided to step in.

“Kirstie,” I said in my most parental, instructional tone of voice, “That is just not going to work. You can’t whine, and you can’t just take the blocks back from her. How would you like it if she did that to you? This is a good chance for you to practice ‘Treat others the way you want to be treated.’ Why don’t you ask her for what you want, instead of just take it?”

She followed my instructions and her younger sister gladly gave up her blocks (which were stolen in the first place…) and everyone was smiling. For about two seconds. That’s when older sister decided to just take some more of what younger sister had. This resulted in very loud, shrill screaming.

Again… not going to fly with Dad.

Since this didn’t seem to be getting through, so I said to the perpetrator Julia, “Julia, why don’t you show Kirstie what it feels like. Take that yellow block on the top of her tower.” Julia was happy to oblige. She reached over and grabbed three blocks from the top of Kirsten’s tower. (She was probably pretty amazed I was letting her do this!)

Once the blocks were safely in Julia’s possession, I asked Kirstie, “Now how do you feel?”

To my surprise, the first response came from Julia who said, “Good!”

Haha! That was too funny. Kind of ruined the moment, and taught the wrong lesson, but… at least we know that when you’re allowed to do whatever you want… it feels good. 🙂

by Greg

My Day (or two) As A Mom

I think I have written here before that when Jen has babies, I take a week or, last time, two off to take care of the other kids while she can focus completely on the baby. And of course, I take care of her too. 🙂 So, I am no stranger to being the “Mom” of the family. (Plus, I am the main chef of the household – by my own choice and desire – and often am accused of being the “girl” in our marriage … so… I am kind of used to it. Kind of.)

Well today, due to extenuating circumstances, I offered to help out our good friends, the Velasquezes, by watching their three girls at their house while they went to a wedding. Their oldest had been really pretty sick yesterday… lots of throwing up… but mostly that kind of sickness has not affected me in life, so I figured I would be pretty OK, and it would help them out.

The day was to start at 9:45, but I did get there a little late. Just before ten I got there and got the scoop. They hadn’t had breakfast so we did a little of that. Then once Mom & Dad left, we got into the fun. We watched an episode of the Knight Rider! (Yes, that instantly makes me the best babysitter ever. I carry episodes of the Knight Rider in my POCKET!)

No one was sick, thankfully, but it was a day full of being a Mom. 🙂 We had hurt feelings, we had sibling spats, we had ouchies – even needed ice for one! – and all of that fun. Of course I needed to make lunch, which was awesome! 🙂 We had diaper changes, bathroom reminders, and kitchen clean up. We also played games, and even had a nap time routine. I was quite the mom.

The real Mom & Dad returned around 4pm, and after a brief report, I headed out to do some returns and other shopping near the mall (more Mom stuff?) and then stopped by Wal-Mart for another quick surprise for the family. Finally got home – fairly exhausted – just after 6pm. Of course, Jen had our FOUR kids all this time, so she certainly had no picnic of a day! But after a few brief moments catching up with Jen… I realized that I had to make dinner for my family! Sheesh!

So, I did. I just reheated the big turkey dinner we had the night before, and it was great. But I was still tired. And I really just wanted to sit and watch football. But the kids were not really cooperating. And Jen was really worn out too. After giving it a go for most of the first half of the game mentioned just below… I finally gave up and just got the girls and got them ready for bed, and in bed.

The boys followed not long after, but Jen was able to help with them. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning up the kitchen from the last day or two and baking corn bread and cupcakes for tomorrow’s gathering. Then I called some good friends who live in California around midnight (9pm their time…) 🙂 just to catch up. Had a nice chat there.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well… I’d like to salute Moms out there. My wife first. Maybe my own Mom second. (Sorry, Mom.. Jen has four… and another coming!) I really am able to do the “mom thing” … but my experience today (and some of yesterday) left me exhausted and feeling unappreciated. 🙂 (Not really… just bear with me…)

I really noticed that all of the “mom” stuff I did or was doing was sort of just expected. There’s never an end to the needs of your kids. They don’t take vacations, or weekends off. And, even when I was off taking care of other kids for a day… I came home to more. (Ours are way cuter, of course…) 😉 And they just assumed I would be making dinner as I usually do. (Plus, Mom is super tired from making a baby!)

A Mom’s job is never done, and almost always taken for granted. So to Jen, Mom, and all other Moms reading this… you rock. Keep up the hard work. You can’t see it paying off now, but those kids you are loving – thanklessly – will remember it later.

And to my Mom … thanks for all the hard work. 🙂

See? 🙂

So… I’ll continue to keep up my end of the parenting duties, and maybe remember to remind Jen how awesome she is even just a bit more often. 🙂

And, since it’s Steven Curtis Chapman week here at GregsHead.net … when you get a chance (no time to find a link tonight…) check out the song from his latest album, This Moment – “One Heartbeat at a Time”. Perfect song for Moms.

And now… at 1:29… I can finally go to bed.

Good night!

by Greg

Cinderella

A friend of ours can’t stop talking about this song, and I have to agree with her. As with most all of his songs, Steven Curtis Chapman is simply a great word craftsman. We listened to it New Year’s Eve and it had Jen crying while holding Kirstie. (Which I think confused Kirstie, cause you’re not supposed to cry if you’re happy she said…) 🙂

I’m probably not supposed to post these here (and if Steven asks, I’ll take them down…) But for now, just thought I’d share in case you haven’t heard the song. The title below will link to the song at iTunes, so you can buy the album or the song alone if you’d like. It’s really a great song, and so amazing how hearing of or seeing the love of a child for their parent (and vice versa) does melt the heart of a mommy or daddy. It does for me at least. Just about every time. 🙂

Cinderella
Steven Curtis Chapman

Verse 1:
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I’m sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It’s been a long day
And there’s still work to do
She’s pulling at me
Saying “Dad I need you!
There’s a ball at the castle
And I’ve been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, Daddy, please!”

Chorus:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t want to miss even one song
‘Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone

Verse 2:
She says he’s a nice guy and I’d be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of her dress
She says, “Dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancin’
Oh please, Daddy, please!”

Chorus:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t want to miss even one song
‘Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone

She will be gone

Verse 3:
But she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowin’ and tellin’ us all they had planned
She says, “Dad the wedding’s still six months away but I need to practice my dancin’
Oh please, Daddy, please!”

Chorus:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t want to miss even one song
‘Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone

by Greg

The Goal of Parenting

Ian and DadEarlier this week I was thinking about being a parent. (A parent, not “apparent”…) I think I was processing some issues we’re working on with the kids. Maybe I still had some lingering thoughts in my head from a conversation we had with our friends last Sunday about the ups and downs of parenting. Whatever it was, I came to the conclusion—and told myself in my head—that, “The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, right?”

Is it?

I mean, sure… in a way, that is part of our responsibility. We get to train up our kids in the way they should go, as the Bible says. We help them learn how to think about other people around them, how to respect authority, how to be responsible with their time and their stuff. Even simple stuff like how to brush their teeth, use soap in the bathtub, and put their clothes in the dirty clothes basket.

(We’re still working on that one…)

But right after I thought what I thought above, I had an almost instant second thought, that seemed directly opposed to my first thought. It might not be, but it seemed like it when I thought it.

“Maybe it’s not. Maybe we’re just supposed to love them.”

The thought encompassed more than those words can. So much so that I literally was overwhelmed with emotion, right then and there. I began to think at that moment that all of the stuff I work so hard to train my children to is only secondary. Yes, maybe even the part about loving other people, and considering them even more than themselves. That is certainly important, as is all the stuff I mentioned above, but for a moment I realized that “the greatest of these is love.”

The Bible says that we love because he first loved us. I think that truth carries over to our kids, too. We have the capacity to love God, and love other people once we know and experience the love of our Father. Our kids are much the same. They know and experience our love—they know that they are loved—and so they can do the things we teach them to do, because they are loved. Otherwise, it’s not in their hearts. It’s just temporary adherence to rules.

See, I have a very, very special role in my kids’ lives. There are billions of people in this world. They are going to meet many of them. They are going to interact with many of them. They are going to have close relationships with a few of them. They will perhaps marry one of them. But I am their only dad. Ever. There is no one else who ever can be. That was decided when they were conceived.

Does that mean anything? Sort of. Sort of not. What you choose to do after that moment certainly has more impact on them. But this was my point. They will learn lots of things about life from lots of people. I’m glad I am able to get them started on that in a lot of ways. Happy to pass on what I have learned in my short three plus decades. But maybe the best thing I can pass on to my kids is the thing I am uniquely qualified to give them: my love.

Yes, I hope there are many people who love my kids. Completely, and unconditionally. But I am the only one who can offer them my love. I am Dad. They can either feel safe with Dad, and loved by Dad, and secure in who they are with Dad… or not. I think a lot of that is up to me, and maybe what I see as my priorities as a dad. I just said the other day that the one thing I want my kids to learn from me is to think about other people. That’s it. I just want them to be different than most people, by just noticing and thinking about others around them.

But I think my job is simpler. Yet, maybe harder.

Dad and kidsPerhaps the best things I can give my kids just start with me loving them. Yes, discipline is loving. I understand that. But it becomes meaningless, and so many parents lose the hearts of their kids (in part) because their priority is the life training, rather than the full acceptance and complete and unconditional loving of our kids. I don’t know that this is true, but I thought all of this in response to my own statement, “The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, right?”

Anyone can and will train our kids in the fundamentals of being a responsible adult. But no one else can be their Mom, or their Dad. I want my kids to know without a doubt that they can count on me—and my love—for anything, any time they need it. Resource-wise, I might not be able to, but me-wise… I can do that.

I am an emotional mess anytime there is a parent-child moment like that in a movie, or tv show, or book, or even between people I know. When I see, for example, a son realize how his dad would do absolutely anything for him to demonstrate his unconditional love, I feel the emotions welling up inside me. When the Dad gets a chance to show even just a little bit of how much he loves his kids… gets me every time. That’s what I want. I understand the emotions of those moments, because in real life, the best thing for me isn’t when I see my kids showing that they love me (although those are nice), it’s even way cooler when I see that my kids know they are loved, and they can actively trust my love.

I’m certain there is a balance in all of this, but that’s what priorities are, eh?

Maybe my #2 priority is to raise responsible adults, but my #1 priority—and that’s by a lot—is that my kids know without a doubt that Dad loves them, and always, always will. Period.