Tag / Home School

by Greg

Control vs. Responding

Not long ago I mentioned that something was stewing in Ye Old Greg’s Head… and indeed it has been. Head, heart, you name it. It seems that many places I turn these days the following thoughts pop in for a visit. Sometimes short, sometimes longer… but seeming to weave their way through a bunch of different areas effortlessly.

I was reminded of this trend today in a conversation with my neighbor. They just returned home with his wife’s daughter – who is moving in with them for a while, going to college in the area – and he was sharing some stories illustrating how she does not handle change very well. Not well at all. 🙂 And I immediately thought of my sister, and a few other folks who really prefer to have a routine, and any deviation from that really, really throws them off.

“I think I have recently noticed,” I told my neighbor, “that people who don’t handle change well may indeed be personality-related, but I think it’s something we all deal with on some level. We need to control stuff. Some of us more than others. Some of that has got to be built-in… but I think a lot of it – especially the ability to go with the flow – is (or can be) learned.”

My neighbor completely agreed. Gave his dad as an example of “mellowing out”. As he has gotten older, he is much more “go with the flow”, “mellow”, or just able to deal with what life brings. Is this a personality? Is it a learned skill? Is it just life experience and wisdom from years on the planet? Maybe it’s all of them?

Whatever it is, I have noticed that I really, really prefer to try responding to instead of controlling my world.

Let me give you a few of the examples that I was talking about in last week’s teaser.

First, if you haven’t noticed (or if you are new here, and don’t know us personally) we do stuff a little differently. We never dated. We didn’t kiss until our wedding day. We have four children… and want more. We home school those same children. We love Jesus, and his church, but we don’t attend any “church” as we have grown up knowing them. All of that is a little different than the societal “norm”.

Recently as we thought about home schooling, Jen & I were just marveling at the idea of institutionalizing learning. It really baffles us now that we have been down this “home schooling” path for quite a while. See, home schooling does not mean school at home. We don’t have a set time for “classes” every day. We do have “table time” for basic math, writing skills, etc, but that occurs only a couple times a week (if that!) and we consider that only the smallest part of our kids education. The real learning happens all the rest of the time. Those things are just a few necessary skills for life. And really they aren’t learned during a “lesson” time… they are learned as they are put into practice in the rest of life.

Institutions teach us the opposite. The real learning of any value happens in the academic (institutional) setting. Knowledge must be passed along in a structured way, at a certain time. I think we were talking about the way NY State thinks they know what each of our kids should learn at what age. My sister lives in Maryland and had an interesting experience with the school system telling her to “slow down” with her daughter… she “knows too much”! Holy cow!

I know that there must be some value in institutions, but I am growing farther and farther away from that type of thinking. See, in that model, uniqueness of individuals is too easily lost. My son Ian can read like an 8th grader, writes like a kindergartner, does math at probably a 3rd or 4th grade level… and those are just the “academic skills”. Interpersonal communication – he’s off the charts. His memory is fantastic, way better than most anyone I know. He is very artistic, creative. And he just loves people, and is so good at considering others. But he’s also a huge goofball who often needs to be reminded to focus on what he’s doing. That’s quite a mix of levels there. But the state institution would have us believe that Ian should be doing A, B, C, and D – for 180 days a year, or some amount of hours – when he is a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grader.

What an institution is trying to do is control learning. It is the attempt by a group of people or a society to contain, package, and repeatedly apply with a broad brush something that I don’t think can be contained that way. Mainly because I think learning happens in life, and life can not be contained, packaged, or otherwise transferred en masse.

The same goes for the way we live today as the church. We have created hugely elaborate systems (ok, some are less “elaborate”) 😉 to pass along life with Jesus. We know it’s a great thing, and want everyone to experience it – everyone needs it, right? – so we have all these great ways that have worked in the past (or, we get the occasional “new” idea…) that we try to contain, package and then apply to the next person who comes in the door.

Just like with learning… life with God can not be contained, packaged or mass distributed. At least, not in my experience. God is living. An individual who interacts with each of us personally. Individually. You can’t say for me how God is going to lead, direct, teach, interact with me. You can tell me what your experience has been with him, and in many ways that may be similar to mine… but it can’t be neatly contained so as to repeat it again with similar results.

There’s the thing right there. We love the idea that we can control life. That’s what institutions are. Church, School, Government, etc, etc, etc. These are systems we create to manage people in a similar way to produce similar results. Problem is, we’re really not all that similar. I mean, we kinda are… that’s why it kinda works. But only kinda.

The alternative I have noticed is what God has led us into over the past several years. We have consistently been learning to structure and plan less of our lives, and to follow the daily lead of our Leader. We have freed up our schedule a LOT and that has allowed us a lot more time to be together as a family, with our four very young kids. That’s awesome! It’s given us the freedom to respond to last minute invitations, as well as offer last minute invites to friends/neighbors who pop into our minds.

Fewer plans also allows us to just enjoy where we are at that moment. We aren’t trying to accomplish some other things while doing whatever we’re doing. Jen just shared with me tonight that this week she has tried to stop doing other things while playing with the kids outside. And late in the week she finally noticed that she wasn’t frustrated anymore when Julia needed something, or Alex asked her to watch him do something. She was available to respond in the moment, not trying to follow a plan.

And as I mentioned above, we try to do most everything we do in a “responding” way instead of a “controlled” way. Life with other Christians (the Church), “educating” our children. I can’t even really write it, cause it’s just… not a thing. We don’t even consider it a separate area of life. It just IS life. Both of those things.

Is any of this making sense? It’s almost 2:30 am, and there are so many thoughts in my head on this, and so many occasions to which it has so clearly applied… I know there will be people who will misunderstand what I am saying and think that I mean that no good comes from a plan. Plans are fine. They won’t always work, but if that is known ahead of time, one can respond to whatever actually happens with greater ease. It’s not really that… it’s a general approach to life.

Do you want to go through life taking control (or at least, attempting to), or would you rather respond to life as it comes? The latter does not mean sitting on your butt waiting for life to come to you… it means in your heart, are you about your own agenda, your own purpose… or are you open and available for God to lead you to what he is doing in that moment? Are you able to respond to life as it happens, or just break down (like our neighbor’s daughter) when something changes that seems momentarily big?

I definitely feel like God is teaching me to respond to life rather than try to control it. And I have noticed that such an approach certainly requires a good deal of trust in him. But it also certainly offers great freedom, and peace, and I think the great “reward” of a richer, fuller life. At least… in the important things.

I am not certain that approach would lead you to be a good CEO of a giant corporation… but, who knows? If that’s what God wants you to be… he’ll lead you there!

I guess the question is… are we leading, or are we following the Leader? Are we trying to control, or are we free to respond?

by Greg

Academia

I always thought that word had something to do with Macadamia nuts, or vice versa. But, that’s for another blog.

We were chatting tonight about our son Ian’s reading abilities. He’s phenomenal. During last weekend’s visit with Grandma & Grandpa, Ian was reading like crazy because he loves it, and equally wowing the grandparents as he did. He is only six years old and can read just about anything he picks up. A very smart little boy, and if you compared reading ability and comprehension skills, he would beat just about anyone in his age group, and probably several years older.

Why is that, I wondered? Is it because he’s super smart? Yes. His memory (which I suppose is connected to other intellectual capabilities) is simply outstanding. He effortlessly remembers details that would be hard for me (who also has a fairly decent memory) to retain after studying the subject. He routinely has us shaking our heads in disbelief at his retention prowess.

But it’s more than that. I am not ready to say Ian is so super special, that he is somehow specially gifted and that is how he excels far above his peers. I love my son, and I think he’s got some amazing gifts from God built into him, but I think that’s selling everyone else a little short. Ian has not always liked to read. He used to dislike it very much. He does not like to get things wrong (which is very much like his Dad) and so, he would not even try. It was very hard to get him started, but after some gentle coaxing from Mom, he discovered many new, exciting worlds through reading. And now, he’s fantastic! As I have mentioned, he is far beyond many of his peers in that academic skill.

Which leads me back to why.

Now, bear with me here. I am not a wacko who thinks everyone should homeschool or (1) you’re not a Christian, or (2) if you’re already not a Christian, then you just don’t love your kids if you don’t homeschool. However, I’d like to put in a little plug for the way we have chosen to mentor and train, or “educate” our kids.

I believe that Ian has excelled because of his learning environment. It’s not the institutional setting of academia, as most of his peers, where 20-30 or more kids all try and learn academic skills and knowledge via one 20-something teacher who is giving his or her all to impart these skills to the kids. Ian’s learning environment is … life. He is never really in school or out of school. Yes, there are times during the day when Jen will sit down and work on academic skills (such as reading and writing, or math) but those times are pretty limited. The real learning comes as life happens. And the teaching is more of a mentor/apprentice relationship, rather than a presenter of knowledge, facilitating the absorption of facts and information. Ian is taught the facts in the course of life every day within a family who loves him.

That, to me, seems so different from what we think of as education. And, I am speaking now as a student and product of such a system. I survived the educational institution and have not suffered any long term damage that I am aware of. (Which some people point to as a reason not to home school, but that’s sort of like being on an airplane that you knew had several mechanical defects, and encouraging people not to choose alternate means of transportation because the plane didn’t crash with you on it yet.) We are so concerned with transferring all of the facts and intellectual knowledge we have attained over the years, that our educational system has become only that: a means of filling young minds with information.

The institutional structure somewhat necessitates that. If you have 1000 kids from so many different backgrounds in life, and you are bring them together in one place to “teach” them, then you are not really going to ever agree on any sort of life training, such as moral, or ethical, or spiritual beliefs. So, we try to steer clear of those and create as sterile a package as possible, which, to a degree makes sense. Except for the fact that we are not computers, who can just be filled with data, and then perform at peak capacity. We are more than that.

But in such a public setting, true discipleship (which, means teaching, training) can not happen effectively. Sometimes it happens as a side product. My wife and I fondly remember our high school Chorale teacher. (That made him sound dead… as far as I know he’s still alive and kickin’…) He did more than teach, he definitely shared his life with his students as well. I think we learned more from him than just how to sing. And there are lots of great people in the system, who are trying to do more than teach. But, when we create a place where the teachers (who could be like mentors) are restricted from even touching students (such as a hug, or an encouraging pat on the shoulder), then we are depriving the students of a much richer learning environment.

History is not facts. History is people. Reading is not a means to more input, it is a bridge to other people’s hearts and minds. Math is important, but only secondary at best to learning to live selflessly and consider other people even ahead of yourself. You can’t learn those things in a classroom. They are not imparted through academia. Life is only learned by observing it in action, and then living it.

Life is meant to be lived.

This is nothing new. Every time I get a chance to think through something that at least seems new to me, I usually end up realizing that someone else has been here before. But, mostly when I consider it worthy of exploring through these writings, it is something that I feel we generally have not gotten right, even if someone (or many someones) have already been here before. So what do we do? Should everyone homeschool their kids, and that would make the world a better place? Well, based on how I feel about that, I would say yes. But, the world is a great place because God made us all differently, and gave us the amazing gift of choice. So, I would have to intellectually disagree with my own conclusion. 🙂

However, I do feel so strongly that we are so focused on the wrong thing. If we want to help our kids prepare for life… we must shift our focus. Life is not about facts, but about relationship. We are built to relate. We learn through relationships. Mentor, student, apprentice, teacher. We are made to excel through hands on discipleship, one-on-one, rather than mass dissemination of information. Academia has missed the true fullness of education. I think we do a fine job of passing along the facts. But we have tied our hands by virtue of the system we have created as far as equipping kids for life.

Academia is a reality we have manufactured that does not allow our kids to excel, but I would argue, holds them back, and teaches them that wisdom is correspondent to the amount of knowledge we have managed to pack into our cranium. It’s not. Real education incorporates academic skills and knowledge into a much bigger package, that is lived out everyday. Every day life is full of chances to learn, and to live that out. To make decisions based on what you have learned so far. To me, that is superior to a passing grade on a test, or knowing the right answer to a question.

I think Ian is a testament to that. And he could tell you, after he’s done reading this.

by Greg

Institutions and Labels

I had an interesting moment with a friend the other day. The moment came during (and after) a conversation with him regarding how we see the same events very differently. It was not all that meaningful, or deep… but it definitely struck a nerve or something in me.

We were talking of a pair of events where I happened to be, and some people from his church happened to be, and he called them [This Church] gatherings. My jaw dropped when I read those words (it was an Instant Message conversation) as I could not believe that he called these two non-event events “[This Church] gatherings”. They had nothing to do with [This Church]. But, he felt any time a person who is associated with [This Church] is in the same place with anyone else from [This Church] it is a [This Church] gathering.

I was incredulous, and proceeded to passionately argue my viewpoint that we do not need these labels. They only serve to divide. The events in question were a gathering in a home for a homeschool book presentation, and a day when I was helping move some friends from one house to another. They were informal, life events. No one need stake claim to them.

I mentioned how we had been going through an 18-week parenting course with some friends a while back and the church that several of them were part of decided to list our meeting as one of “their” small groups. We were not started by them, or connected to them in any way, but when I inquired, I found they had a similar mindset: [That Church]’s people are meeting in a small group setting, so… it’s a [That Church] small group! 🙂

Why must we slap on such labels? Why do we have to call any gatherings of people by some made up name? For instance, we have stopped calling our Tuesday nights with friends a “small group”. We do not get together on Tuesdays to feed the existence of an institution dubbed, “Small Group”. We get together as often as possible because we like to be together! Tuesday nights is the night we have freed on our calendars to make sure we get to see everyone once a week. Every other week we do something fun with our kids and the opposite week we get babysitters so the adults can have some adult time.

Now, this event began as a structured small group meeting as part of [This Church]. But, over time, it evolved into more than that. We are all part (a big part) of each other’s lives. We are, in my mind, a church. Though, to be consistent, I do not label it as such. 🙂

There is nothing wrong with an institution. The structured life of what we know as church is helpful in many ways. The draw back of an institution is that it is by nature impersonal and for the masses. Must be regulated by rules and procedures. It has many labels, to properly assign things to their times and locations. As helpful as those things are in operating and growing an institution, I do not believe they are able to contain the Kingdom.

God’s Kingdom goes beyond institution. It is incredibly personal, and so, different for each individual. It is, as we know and proclaim, about an everyday relationship with our Savior. It is a Father inviting his children to come along with him today… “Let me show you what this day has for us.” It is not bound by times or places, or practices… it is a reality. Not something that can be captured by labels or words. Jesus always referred to the Kingdom of God or of Heaven with stories, saying, “The kingdom of God is like…” And in John, he said that the spirit is like the wind, never knowing where it came from or where it’s going. It can not be contained.

But still we try.

And not just with the church. We homeschool our kids, mostly because we don’t like the institution that has been established to teach our kids. The institution of public education is for the masses. It is impersonal. It makes a futile attempt to teach kids academically and morally, while placating the unending variations of morality taught in those kids’ homes. It can’t work. It does, as I am a product of the Institution… and not that messed up by it (am I?? 🙂 But is it ideal? No way. Not even close.

For us, we prefer the hands on, family feel of two loving parents who know their kids the best, and can help them understand their world the best since we also love them the most. We think similarly that the church functions best when those who have walked with Jesus a bit longer “teach” the folks God puts around them (their spiritual “kids”). Not by scheduling meetings, and sending out clever postcards… the people who are PART of you. Your three closest friends. How much more are you going to care about one of your three best friends than someone you by way of a title or an office have been given charge over, though perhaps you only see them across a room on Sunday mornings?

The heart behind a lot of the procedures in the institution of the church is to help everyone stay close to Jesus. But, our best plan to maintain that is so feeble compared to just letting the folks whom God has placed in their lives really love them. We assign the title of elder or pastor or minister or deacon or even lay leader to folks, and charge them with caring for the flock. As if a title will somehow make them care more, or even perhaps just more effective as they do. The title is meaningless. Some folks have been gifted by God to “pastor”… to love people and care for them. But all of us have been called to bear each others burdens, to encourage and admonish. Not EVERYONE we meet… but “each other”. The people we spend time with. In a close, open, loving relationship, that naturally flows from doing life together. In an institution, it is a procedure to maintain the integrity of said institution. Never in as many words, nor in the hearts of those carrying it out… but nevertheless, true by default.

I am tired of labels. I am tired of structuring life together. I just want to live. I want to love people. I want to know my Father more than I think possible right now. I am trying in all of this to not turn around and label the labelers. That is hard. But with Jesus help, I might start to look like him. 🙂

That’s a label I wouldn’t mind bearing.