My brother-in-law was reading a book one time, and asked a circle of us to tell him what our greatest fear was. So, we all told him, and one by one he proclaimed with certainty what our fear was. “You have a fear of abandonment.” “You have a fear of the unknown.” “You have a fear of spiders.” (OK, I added that one.) When he heard my answer to his question he said, “You have a fear of failure.” Matter-of-factly, there you have it, that’s all she wrote.

I scoffed at the notion of me being afraid of failure. And, I am still not certain that it is completely accurate, but there may be some degree of accuracy to it.

This week it has been abundantly clear that I am good at being a failure. And, when that is pointed out to me, I hate it. A lot. I don’t want to really talk to the people I have failed. I don’t like thinking about it. But, for some reason, I tend to dwell on it. Trying to figure out how to make amends and reparations for my failure.

But sometimes, I can’t. And I really, really don’t like that.

This week I have seen how I have failed my kids in so many ways as their Dad. This week I have seen how I have failed my family as a provider. We are in a serious financial pinch at the moment. And yesterday I was made aware of an error that I committed that will end up costing us hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars. Just because of an oversight. Today, to top everything off, I was making one of our favorite meals – that feeds us for at least a week – and in an easy-to-understand error, instead of adding cornstarch to the yummy-smelling chili, I added baking soda. And though not completely ruined, an enormous amount of Cincinnati-style chili stands as a testament to my repeated failures this week.

So where do I go from here? Last night, a friend reminded me to not beat myself up over failures. To be sure to learn from mistakes, but not dwell on them. I think in my perfectionism, that is super hard to do. I wrote a little while back about how I realized that I am actually trying to be God – to be like him in his perfection – though I intellectually comprehend the absurdity of such an attempt. Somehow along the way, I convinced myself it was possible and I still try to achieve his perfection.

I can’t. This week is proof. Painfully obvious proof. And yes, it hurts. I am saddened by my propensity for failure. I know that I also am able to accomplish things, but somehow this week has been far too good at reminding me of how I am not able to accomplish things.

I want to know Jesus and him crucified. The simplicity of his love for me. The depth of that love. The life-giving power. None of the stuff that bothers me today will last. My failures do not affect eternity. It’s no fun to fail, and perhaps it is a weakness of mine to be more susceptible to being effected by my failures, but fail we will. And we’ll do it again. I will fail again.

I do not fear failure, as I know I can learn from it. But today I am realizing that God is working on me in that way somehow. I am still a misshapen lump of clay, awaiting the results of the Potter’s painstaking, attentive forming of my life.

I know he will not fail.

I am a big Star Trek fan. My wife and I try and watch a Star Trek each day. An ambitious goal, but on a good week we can keep close to that. So we are quite familiar with the doctrine of one Earth, one humanity that has eliminated war and commerce and of course, eradicated poverty. And, I have mentioned before, it seems like a good idea, doing what you do for the good of other people, and everyone else returning the favor – so everyone’s needs/wants are met by everyone else. A happy, communal, harmonious society.

Unfortunately, the Star Trek writers have forgotten to include the sin quotient in the equation.

See, sin messes everything up. Without sin, that world, that vision might be possible. If everyone was capable of choosing to be selfless and thoughtful of others around them – above their desire for power, or greed, or lust, or any other form of selfishness that is powered by sin – then, we might have a world that would be akin to the one springing from the imagination of Gene Roddenberry.

The UN and many nations in the world have declared that by banding together, and working as one, we can eliminate poverty by the year 2015. (Sounds like they’ve been watching Star Trek, too…) And I heard a radio guy commenting on this today, laughing at how preposterous such a claim was.

And he’s right.

Now, I like to share all that God has given me. Even though it’s not much, if I can share it… I do. I think that is a great idea to share the abundance of the wealthy countries and peoples to help get others who are so much in need it’s unfathomable. It would certainly be a boost to us if someone would donate from their abundance to reduce or even eliminate the high-interest debt that keeps us in a frustrating cycle that seems to never end. Many bills are paid late due to that enormous debt over our heads. But, they get paid… and we move on.

I am not comparing our situation to the plight of people in Africa who live on a miniscule amount of money per year. There is no comparison. We have food that we need, and many other things – in large part thanks to the generosity of family and other supporters. But, the idea is the same… eliminate debt, get everyone on a “level” playing field, and we’ll be good to go.

For a large group of people – I would hope me included – that would be good. With a fresh start, assuming all things normal, that charity, that donation, would be the jump start to get out of poverty for good. But there is something to say for the value of earning something. When something is earned by time or labor or talent or some thing we have somehow put effort into, that effort assigns a value to the money (or other compensation) we receive in return. That is the value of money – it represents us, spent. We get X amount of dollars for X amount of time spent doing something. (Or, at least that’s how it should be) 🙂 So, while I would love for a large lump of cash to be given to us to wipe out our debt, it seems that maybe there will be more value to the slow progress of steadily paying it off as God provides each week, and month and year?

All of that aside, the main reason we will never eliminate poverty even if we somehow manage to evenly distribute all the wealth in the world is…

Sin.

Sin makes a man lazy. Sin makes another man greedy. Sin creates wedges between us that are driven only by self. Sin blinds, and even destroys. We can never be stronger than sin. That’s why Jesus had to step in and do it for us. He did, but sin still has power in this world. And because of that, even our best, most well-intentioned efforts will not lead to the demise of poverty.

Consider this quote from Proverbs:

Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and be wise! Even though they have no prince, governor, or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter. But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep? When will you wake up? I want you to learn this lesson: A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest – and poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.

Proverbs 6:6-11

Even if we were to get a bunch of people who had initiative up on their feet and out of poverty, many would choose to slump right back IN to poverty. It is literally, I believe, impossible to “end poverty”.

Noble words. A good idea. But, impossible.

Rather than coercing governments to allocate funds to large sweeping debt-eliminating grants to poor countries… perhaps the only way to make a dent in poverty is to build relationships with those around us. When an elderly neighbor, living on some sort of fixed income is in a pinch, drop by with a bag of groceries. If someone you know needs gas money to visit a relative, or even just to get to work, buy them a tank of gas. When someone’s loses everything they own in a hurricane and a flood, take them in, give them a place to eat/sleep and get them back on their feet. One family, one person at a time, we can share each others’ burdens. Just like the church did when it first started.

But, we can never end poverty. Not by 2015. Not ever, until Jesus returns, and we join him where there is no longer any curse.

The one last observation on this almost eliminates everything I have written. Once again, we are looking at the outward stuff. We are looking at the visible and trying to fix things by treating the symptoms rather than curing the disease. (Perhaps, because we know we can’t cure the disease?) When we talk of ending poverty, we want to make sure everyone has enough money to buy food, clothing, shelter. We are talking about physical possessions and needs. While those are important, life is more than even those.

Someone who appears to have everything they need can actually be quite poor. And someone on whom the world takes pity because of their seeming poverty, might have wealth beyond what that same world could even understand.

Let the weak say, I am strong

Let the poor say, I am rich

Let the blind say, I can see

It’s what the Lord has done in me

I am a proponent of sharing our abundance with anyone in need. As a family, we do. But this illusion put forth by the UN (probably for poilitical gain, also) is just that: an illusion.

Only the giver of all good things can “end” poverty. That can be now, with his peace and life in your heart and mind, or, when we meet him face to face. When he will wipe away every tear, and we will drink living water forever… for free… together with all the nations…

Hmm… sounds like Star Trek…

🙂

Sorry for the absence from the blog here. That does happen from time to time, though I do not wish it to be so. I did predict this current lull, however, as we were entering the last few weeks of summer.

We had a great trip to Ohio. A nice concert, a good visit with Icelandic friends (who brought chocolate!), a nice surprise bday party for my Grandma – who turns 80 next week – and a wedding for my cousin, who is the only other male on my Mom’s side of the family. Lots of driving, visiting, going, going, going…

Then we had a whirlwind 3 days at home, until we hit the road again last weekend for a brief trip to PA with a nice concert for some nice folks, and a visit with family in Buffalo. Very nice. Very fast.

Now we are home, and returning to some level of normalcy.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

Many blogs in the queue… stay tuned.

In the course of many converging events this week, my mind has been directed to the many facets of life as a parent. On the one hand, there are the joys of your children’s successes – doing what they are supposed to, and even surprising you by doing the unexpected. Then there are the pull-out-your-hair moments when it seems as though nothing you have attempted to build into their lives for the past 7 years has had any sort of effect whatsoever.

There have been a few of those moments this week.

And through those moments, I believe God continues to teach me about the wildly, incomprehensibly great nature of his love, and especially his grace.

Our son Ian is 6. He will turn seven on Christmas Day this year… if he makes it that far. 🙂 There are moments when I am so frustrated by his actions, but even more so by his attitude when perpetrating those actions, that I have to think of ways to restrain my anger. Even typing that makes me sad, but it’s true. He can certainly get under my skin. I expect a lot from him, because I know the greatness he is capable of.

This past Wednesday night, we came back from delivering a meal to friends in order to prepare a meal of our own. It seems Ian decided to talk back to Mom, and to complain again about something she had just asked him to do (which had happened several times that day) and so Mom, in her wisdom, sent the boy to his room, where he would stay until it was time for bed.

We carried on with dinner, missing the presence of a member of our family, and afterward, I headed upstairs to check on something in the office. Only about 10 minutes later, I came down from the office to hear sobbing coming from the bedroom. My first reaction was furious anger. Ian has learned to sometimes use crying as a way to voice his displeasure for our guidance in his life. But, as I approached his door, I had compassion on him. I should say, compassion for him came upon me. (I am not known for my “compassion”) 🙂 And in that moment, I felt like I should ask him how he’s feeling, or, why he’s crying, instead of just laying into him and stopping this unacceptable behavior.

“Ian,” I made sure to keep my tone as gentle as possible, “Why are you crying?”

“Mmmrrr, mmahhh muuu maaa aaaaa”

“Ian, I can’t understand you when you’re crying.” 🙂

I came closer. He tried again. With heartfelt, sincere, humble repentance, he said through tears, “Because I don’t want to do bad things anymore. I just want to be with my family.” It was all I could do to hold back the tears. I laid my head down on his chest and tried to think of something to say in that moment. How could a six-year-old comprehend the depth of sin and repentance and broken relationships and restoration? How could he? But it seemed that he did.

All I wanted to do was pick him up (because I still can for a few more years) and tell him all was well and he should come join us for the rest of the night. But something in me understood that his “wisdom” was a result of the consequences we had assigned to his actions and choices. When he faced the prospect of not only no dinner, but an entire evening in “solitary confinement”… he realized the stupidity of his choices. Had I not followed through on that, the lesson may have been less impactful.

“Ian, I think it’s working. I think you are understanding the cost of your choices. That’s what consequences are for. They help us understand the value of our actions and choices.”

He seemed to understand. I was still fighting back the tears. So was Ian. But perhaps, we both knew it was the right thing to do.

At only six years old, Ian was struggling with the same thing I do. I have cried saying, “I don’t want to do bad things…” and longing for the restoration of my relationship with Father. I have understood the depths of my own depravity. But how can he? Amazing. It was a moment that, while painful, was so deep and meaningful, was perhaps a highlight of a rather unpleasant week.

You see, to my kids, I am authority. They don’t really answer to the law yet. Policemen are just cool, not representative of a standard that must be kept. There is no real authority in their lives besides parents (and maybe teachers, if they have those). I am the guy who tells them what they can and can not do. The buck stops here, as they say.

Unfortunately, that’s going to make them not like me. At least a little. And there’s nothing I can do about it, because I love them.

I could do nothing. I could set no boundaries, allowing all things… working hard to ensure my children’s happiness as they grow up. I could cater to their every whim, making sure that what they perceive as their needs are met, and in a timely fashion. I could. But I won’t. To do that would present a reality in which they exist at the center. Life is about them. It’s not, and eventually they would learn that… but I guess I am choosing to build deeper truths into them. The idea that there is more to life than self. More than looking out for their own interests, Jesus taught us to love and live in God, and then to share that life with everyone around us. “It’s not about me” is a phrase I have repeated to them quite often, even at their young ages.

I hope I have backed it up with my actions.

You see, there’s the other thing. This week I have noticed that a lot of the stuff that so frustrates me, that requires my action in assigning consequences or other measures of correction, is stuff that they have picked up from me. And from Jen. I can see and hear us in our kids. And that saddens me more than words can describe.

The same battles that we have waged and lost continue in our children. Our failures become their struggles, and perhaps their lifelong weaknesses. What an unfortunate reality.

But what a window to grace.

In seeing the very things for which I have been forgiven, I have such an opportunity to teach them about the love God has for them, and the life he offers beyond and even through our weaknesses. God does not require complete an infallible obedience from us (he knows we can’t… that’s what Jesus’ whole purpose was) he only requires that we trust him. That we get to know him, and his kingdom. Despite our weaknesses, we are loved and accepted.

With that awareness, a conflict began in my heart. How do I act as the authority for my children that they need at this point in their lives to understand boundaries and moral principles… and still convey the depth and wonder of grace to them? How can I maintain a standard, and show them the greatness of life lived the way Jesus showed us to… and still allow them the complete freedom to fail, and be restored?

Unfortunately for me… I think at this stage of their lives, I must lean toward the authority. God has given me the temporary assignment of training my children in the way they should go. And with that must come authority. I am the one who says what is right and what is wrong. Of course, I answer to God (and other human authorities he has appointed) but I am pretty much all the authority they need. So, when they are in their sin nature rebelling against authority and the boundaries God has set in his law… they will despise the law but they will first despise me.

🙁

But as I have come to so cherish the reality of God’s grace through the fullness of the law – how the law reveals my own depravity, just as Ian briefly understood this week – I will be able to pass that along to my kids as they mature. As they continue to understand their weakness, and inability to adhere to any sort of morality… then I can with God’s help unleash the lavish grace he offers to us. Then, with them, I can stand in the joy and wonderment of the love of a Father far beyond what I could ever offer. What a privilege to be able to not only pass along that understanding, but to bask in its greatness with them – as children of a common Father.

We’re not there yet. I have a long way to go of much training and discipling. We have years of conflicts and corrections to go through. We will hand out consequences to the best of our ability, and beyond with the help of Holy Spirit. But I am looking forward to the days when I hand over the reigns to my children, and with any luck, they will be prepared to take them and to live rich, full lives in the freedom of God’s love and grace.

Perhaps that’s the joy of parenting.

After watching a bit of the hurricane coverage tonight (which definitely overdoes the sensational aspect of the story…) I have just been wondering something.

At what point do you consider moving somewhere else?

Read this report from The Drudge Report detailing the potential threat of the storm:

Urgent Weather Message from NWS New Orleans

WWUS74 KLIX 281550NPWLIXURGENT – WEATHER MESSAGE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS LA

1011 AM CDT SUN AUG 28 2005

DEVASTATING DAMAGE EXPECTED

HURRICANE KATRINAA MOST POWERFUL HURRICANE WITH UNPRECEDENTED STRENGTH…RIVALING THE INTENSITY OF HURRICANE CAMILLE OF 1969. MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS…PERHAPS LONGER. ATLEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL…LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL.PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED.

CONCRETE BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE…INCLUDING SOME WALL AND ROOF FAILURE. HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY…A FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT. AIRBORNE DEBRIS WILL BE WIDESPREAD…AND MAY INCLUDE HEAVY ITEMS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AND EVEN LIGHT VEHICLES. SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES AND LIGHT TRUCKS WILL BE MOVED. THE BLOWN DEBRIS WILL CREATEADDITIONAL DESTRUCTION. PERSONS…PETS…

AND LIVESTOCK EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL FACE CERTAIN DEATH IF STRUCK. POWER OUTAGES WILL LAST FOR WEEKS…AS MOST POWER POLES WILL BE DOWN AND TRANSFORMERS DESTROYED. WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS.THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED. ONLY THE HEARTIEST WILL REMAIN STANDING…

BUT BE TOTALLY DEFOLIATED. FEWCROPS WILL REMAIN. LIVESTOCK LEFT EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL BEKILLED.AN INLAND HURRICANE WIND WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN SUSTAINED WINDS NEARHURRICANE FORCE…OR FREQUENT GUSTS AT OR ABOVE HURRICANE FORCE..

.ARECERTAIN WITHIN THE NEXT 12 TO 24 HOURS.ONCE TROPICAL STORM AND HURRICANE FORCE WINDS ONSET…DO NOT VENTUREOUTSIDE!LAZ038-040-050-056>070-282100-ASSUMPTION-LIVINGSTON-LOWER JEFFERSON-LOWER LAFOURCHE-LOWER PLAQUEMINES-LOWER ST. BERNARD-LOWER TERREBONNE-ORLEANS-ST. CHARLES-ST. JAMES-ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST-ST. TAMMANY-TANGIPAHOA-UPPER JEFFERSON-UPPER LAFOURCHE-UPPER PLAQUEMINES-UPPER ST. BERNARD-UPPER TERREBONNE-1011 AM CDT SUN AUG 28 2005

Again, I ask… at what point do you consider a different place to live?

Takeo Spikes and Nate Clements converge on a Bears RB.

Well, that about sums it up. Defense. Not only was the Bills defense dominating, they even did the scoring! What a fantastic starting defense we have this year! It’s going to be amazing watching them actually win games almost single-handedly this year.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough last night.

Now, before you go criticizing the offense too much, it was just a preseason game. Yes, the Bills lost on a last minute score by the Bears for a final score of 16-12, but even with less than a minute left, the third and fourth stringers put together a very impressive drive that ended up less than 10 yards short of the endzone.

JP made some plays. MacGahee made some plays. Moulds, Evans, Reed and even some other guys made some plays. It’s going to be a fun year.

But most of all, Terrence McGee and the return team, along with the entire Bills Defense are going to make for a very exciting – and I think perhaps even a trip to the PLAYOFFS – kind of year. 🙂

Stay tuned…

Whoa. Craziness. Saw this link on a friend’s blog page.

Whoa.

Click here to read article.

OK, so I mentioned a few posts ago that the Kingdom is not quantifiable, but that does not mean it’s not fun, or cool, or good to celebrate some things that are. 🙂

Today marks two years that I have been posting random thoughts and links and various ideas to this site. The first one was back on Aug 26, 2003. I think I have mentioned before… I am glad to share this with you, and hope that by my various forms of communication that your life is in some way enriched. But it amazes me how much I benefit from such a thing. 🙂 For me, it’s a release… it’s what I need to do. I definitely was created to communicate, and perhaps specifically to write.

So thanks for joining me on my journey. I am compiling some of the material from this website for another book to be released next year sometime. I’m looking forward to that. It’s a fun process going through all the stuff I’ve written over the past year and seeing what sorts of things God has brought me through. And it’s amazing to think that just by sharing my life and thoughts that you might catch a glimpse of Father, or perhaps even drink deeply from his living water too.

So we begin the third year together.

Glad to have you along. 🙂

After my post on Evangelists this week, I got an email from a friend who brought up some points about it that made me think I might have not been as clear as I wanted to be originally, so I wrote the following e-mail back to her. Just thought I would also post that here (with her permission) for a little clarification of what I was saying originally.

I’m not sure I was completely clear in the post (I should read it again, I guess)… I didn’t mean to say sales or salesmen (or saleswomen?) 🙂 are bad in any way. Not in any way. There are some great strategies to succeed in the business world, and often they will work if applied in various settings. You can look at what one guy does, and emulate that in some way and achieve similar or greater success.

BUT… what I was pointing out was that the business world is now copying the church in their sales/marketing strategy. My point with that was that the church is not a business, should not operate like one, and it’s evidence that we’re focused on the wrong stuff when the business world is copying what we call the “church”! It was just another eye-opener to me that we’re (Christians, the Church) focusing our energy in the wrong places (in my opinion) and just forget who we are as the church – the family of God, the body of Christ. That’s not packageable or marketable.

I do understand what you’re saying though. You saw the Life of God in people, and were drawn to that. I guess God is showing me these days how much that is really Him working in me and how little I have to make the “shine” happen. It’s kinda a natural result of a personal relationship with him, not the thing to actually strive for. Like, the fruits of the spirit… sometimes we say those are things we need to work on as Christians, things to strive for, goals. But really, like it says, they are fruit of the Spirit. As he works in our life, he produces those things in us. Actually… HE is the Evangelist. 🙂

That’s obviously not to say there isn’t a place for an Evangelist… my point is that we have turned Evangelist into someone who peddles religion, instead of someone who shares the Good News. It’s hard to separate those in our current culture… we’ve only known the church as a business. But, they really are separable, and really the church has nothing to do with business, or big corporate organizations – we’ve just made it appear that way.

See, today we offer people a one-step salvation. You hear the good news (the Gospel, the Evangelion) and you receive it, and then you take possession of eternal life. It’s a product that’s for sale, for free. (Mostly free… usually at that point, you need to connect with some organization and give a lot of your personal resources to that organization’s efforts) 🙂 But after that exchange (the offer, you accepting, and then you possessing) it’s over. You’re good… on to the next client. But Jesus didn’t work that way with people. He spent a good deal of time with the same people, teaching them about the Kingdom by living life with them everyday. A very different model from what we are accustomed to. I think the evangelists early on might have done a similar model. They made disciples (Matt 28) by spending time with people, helping them see God’s Kingdom and learn to walk the rest of their life with him – a relationship with the Creator.

It’s just a different perspective I suppose. Again, not right or wrong necessarily… but I do think that the business world copying “the church” might say something about what we call “the church”.

I was listening to the Sean Hannity show tonight as I cleaned the kitchen after a big ol’ party at the Campbell home, and I thought something he said was interesting. He was talking about the “mainstream press” coverage of the Iraq war and the formation of their constitution and said, “Can you imagine the 24-hour news cycle in 1787? [They would be saying] This is taking way too long!”

(OK, so that was a poor quote, but, you get the flavor)

It was an interesting commentary on our microwave popcorn, life-in-a-high-speed download second society. We want news, we want action, we want results… and we want them now!!!

Perhaps there are actually downsides to technological advances as well?