Estimated reading time: 2 minute(s)

I just wanted to put down some thoughts on where I am at right now.

I had a hard time today. I want so badly to rid our family of the debt we are bound to, and slowly we are progressing toward that goal. And we were given an opportunity that promised to actually wipe out our debt in one weekend. But, various things have made that a distant, unreachable dream. We do still have one day left, but our current pace is FAR from the more-than-I-could-ask-or-imagine goals that I had hoped would be blown out of the water by God’s bigness.

After today, I do not foresee that reality.

And ultimately, I am OK with that. But, in my broken and selfish and impatient and untrusting state… the frustration mounts.

It’s amazing. I really think that I put no confidence in the flesh, in the stuff that I can do. But, somehow this event, that was a gift from God (we had nothing to do with scheduling it) became the source of my “blessing” and I have been putting lots of stock in ITS ability to meet and exceed my needs rather than the One who loves me more than I can know.

I don’t understand how I can know these truths, see God do so many amazing things in and around me, and still continue to doubt him. Still continue to put hope in my own abilities and plans. The inevitable result is a hard crash and burn when the fallible fails. I’ve been there before. I feel like I am there now. And I am sure I will return for a future visit.

But ultimately, even now, I do trust God. I don’t know what he wants to do with this weekend. It has been frustrating in more ways than financially. But I know deeply his love for me. And I have seen his provision for me and Jen and our family. And if God is for me, who or what could be against me? Not even our mountain of debt.

There are giants before me. But my God is bigger.

Stay tuned for a continuing report…